Out of the Closet and into a Happier Place
It’s been almost 5 years since I moved out of my parents’ house, moving 200 or so miles away so that I could be myself and hopefully get out of the rut I’d managed to get myself into.
Everything had been going fine in my first year of rubber pervdom, back in 2008 – I’d disappear for a weekend of rubbery fun at a local hotel with a friend, claiming to my parents that I’d spent the weekend staying with some friends from university. One of those weekends, I received an automated password reset email from GearFetish. I thought it was a bit strange, but deleted it, thinking no more of it.
Months passed, and another password reset email appeared, then another for a different pervy website. A profile appeared using a name similar to mine, and copying some of my photos. The websites were mostly helpful in getting those profiles removed, but another profile reappeared on FetLife, making a homophobic comment on one of my photos, as well as mentioning my real name. What had started out as an annoyance became a cause of stress and anxiety for me – someone who knew me was doing these things.
This continued until just before GearBlast UK in 2009. I’d been keeping my catsuit and my rubber pup hood in a locked laptop bag in my bedroom for a few months, and one night when I had some peace, I fancied some rubber time. Unlocking the bag, I discovered that my pup hood was missing – I feel bad writing this, just thinking back to that moment, as my world felt like it was falling apart – it wasn’t just someone I knew who was causing trouble and knew about my kinky side, it was my stepdad.
I messaged him in private, demanding for the hood to be returned. The hood reappeared not long after, left in plain sight in my room for anyone to see. I felt awful, depressed, hating myself and the situation I was in. Despite this, I went to GBUK, still hopeful that my mum was oblivious to what had been going on, but a few weeks later, she unexpectedly told me that “we need to have a talk about your lifestyle”.
I’ve never felt as low as I did that day. She was upset that I hadn’t told her about being gay, and about what I’d really been doing during those weekends. Being gay was a conversation I’d planned to have with my family when I was ready, but I’d never intended them to find out about the pervy side of things. On top of the shock of being discovered, I was told that they didn’t want my rubber gear to remain in the house.
Boots very kindly agreed to look after my gear, which I posted to him. The situation at home was growing increasingly awkward – I felt cut off from my pervy friends and was made to feel like I had to give up that side of me that felt so right. I’d spent so many years hating and doubting myself for liking men in rubber that to give it up when I’d finally accepted it was too much to cope with. I realised that I needed to get out of there – I needed to be able to be who I wanted to be. A friend of a friend was looking for a lodger in Cambridge, and it seemed like the best way to escape from the North East.
Boots drove all the way up to my hometown in order to collect me and my stuff, and kept me from feeling too upset on the long drive back to Cambridge. My Alpha really did rescue me that day, and I can’t be thankful enough for his support, as well as that of all the other awesome people who helped keep me going through the bad times.
What happened after that? Well the pervy side of things is all here – far from hiding away and ignoring my rubbery desires, I’ve grown to be happy with who and what I am. It’s definitely not how I’d ever planned things would turn out, but in a way, the troubles at home were one of the best things that could’ve happened to me. It forced me to get out into the real world, to learn to (try to be) a grown up, as well as to try and make my gearhead dreams become a reality.
I’ve been back to visit my family a few times since then. Things have been ok with my mum and stepdad, and I feel (and hope) that the past can be put behind us. Last month, I travelled back up there for a quick visit, and to do what I never managed to do all those years ago – I came out to the other close members of my family (about being gay, not kinky!).
I hadn’t felt so nervous and anxious since that chat about my “lifestyle” with my mum, my heart pounding in my chest. I struggled to get the words out, but I somehow managed it. I finally managed to tell them that I’m gay, that I have an awesome partner (Rubberwulf), and that we’ll soon be moving in together.
I do think that they probably knew anyway, but hearing that they were ok with it (not only that, but very happy for me) was such a relief! All those years of imaginary conversations in my head, wondering how it would go, were over. I left there feeling more comfortable about myself than I have ever felt.
I can’t believe how much has changed in 5 years, or how much I’ve changed, I guess. I’m still a shy and generally awkward person, but one who is at least happier – I’m proud of who I am, which I couldn’t have said 5 years ago. I’ve gotten through the bad times thanks to my friends, and for that I’ll always be thankful.