2008 – Beginning my Journey

2008 was a big year for me. I finally came to terms with the fact that I’m a kinky guy. I’d spent years denying it or telling myself that it would never come to much, and I’d even tried to ignore the niggling fascination I had with rubber. Trying rubber for the first time in the beginning of July 2008 was the first step on a big personal journey for me, it allowed me to finally realise (and accept) who I am.

Before then, I was exactly the sort of person I mention I don’t like in my kinky profiles: a time waster; someone who just wanted pictures or videos of guys in rubber to get excited over. Despite what I might have said to the people I’d befriended on gear sites, I very much doubted that I’d ever become a rubberist or even try rubber. Part of me doubted I’d ever be lucky enough to try it, and the other part was plagued with doubts over the whole thing. I went through a phase of thinking “this isn’t normal”, and told myself that I’d never get into that sort of thing.

Even with these doubts and conflicting emotions, I agreed to meet a guy I’d been chatting to for a couple of months (mesjbnd). At the time of organising the meeting, it seemed like a brilliant idea, meeting a guy I’d gotten on well with, and he had a lot of gear. However, as the meeting drew closer, that excitement was quickly replaced by nerves and a feeling of dread. I worried about every single detail of the meeting: What if he isn’t who he says he is? What if someone I know sees me meeting him? What if I don’t like rubber and kink after all? A lot of what ifs ran round my mind, over and over again. The nerves were horrible, and for something that was supposed to be my dream – something I’d fantasised about for years, I was dreading it.

I was relieved when I met him and found out that he wasn’t a murderer or a kidnapper or anything like that (amazing what stupid thoughts go around your head when you’re nervous!). He was (and is) a nice guy, exactly who he claims to be. He did his best to calm my nerves, we had a good long chat, before finally getting down to “business” and getting some of his rubber gear out of the (many) holdalls we’d struggle to carry up to the hotel room (gear is a lot heavier than I’d imagined!). The nerves built up again at this point, and he began to talc up one of his rubber catsuits for me to put on. I (reluctantly) stripped, and he began to help me put the suit on. I began to worry as I realised it wasn’t going to fit (worry is one hell of an understatement here).

However, he had a second catsuit. I stood there, nervous, disappointed and naked while he put talc in the second suit. Again he began to help me in it, and I began to worry this one wouldn’t fit… but it did. The relief as he zipped it up! I stood there, clad in this material which (for some reason) I’d fantasised about for over 3 years. I can’t say how happy (and horny) I was. All of my doubts, all of my worries, everything that had plagued me over the past few years melted away in a few seconds.

I enjoyed that weekend so much. I finally tried rubber, gasmasks, poppers, sleepsacks, electro – everything I’d dreamt about. I loved each and every second of the weekend, from chatting when not playing, to the sessions themselves. I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. I loved it so much I didn’t want to come home (back to “the real world”).

That weekend was the start of the change in me. I’ve finally realised who I am, and that being a rubberist is not all about the kink and being in gear – the people and friendship are a big part of it. I wouldn’t be where I am now without mesjbnd and the other great people I’ve chatted to and made friends with. Obviously having kinky fun is important and great, but having a chat and having a good laugh is fun as well.

I’ve met mesjbnd several times since then, each time learning and experiencing new things. I discovered I liked things I didn’t think I’d enjoy, and we’ve become good friends. It wasn’t a perfect year (I had some hassle with a couple of kinky guys), but I have managed to get over that now. I have a good group of friends, and that’s what matters to me. They’ve helped me get over some of the doubts I had after letting those guys get to me.

In December, I finally accepted the fact that I’m gay. Until then, I’d been putting off even thinking about that question. I did finally overcome my fears, and realised that being gay doesn’t change who I am. I’m not only gay, but I’m a gay rubberist, and as clich├ęd as it sounds, I’m proud of that fact.

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